I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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