gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
