I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
