Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
