If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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