A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
