My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
