I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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