I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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