i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
literally had 100 drinks last night.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
