we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
