Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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