theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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