I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
