I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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