My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
