I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
