What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
