Don't make out with my wife yet
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
