Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
