I have demons in me.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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