I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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