I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
