i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
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Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
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If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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