yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
