It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
