For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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