i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
