I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
