Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
