In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My liver just had a heart attack.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
