Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
