the new term for farting is butt boxing.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I have feelings that need drinking.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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