You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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