remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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