You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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