That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
