So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
