You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
