If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
