my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
