I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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