i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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