When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
