Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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