Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
