I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
