rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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