Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
