Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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