ya dads aren't the best wingmen
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
