well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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