The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
