i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
