Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
