I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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