i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
