wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
