Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
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you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
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I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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